How to make a dumb phone

I like the idea of having a dumb phone because I mainly use my phone for nefarious and unwholesome activities. However I get lost easily and not having access to google maps is a bad idea. Also it’s useful to be able to read and write messages on Whatsapplication and suchlike. Also they are more expensive than cheap smartphones.

I realised you can make your own dumbphone. If you are anything like me, these are the steps you will need to take.

1. Download Appblock.

2. Block Slay the Spire and other nefarious applications.

3. Block Youtube. This is necessary because your monkey brain will realise that watching people play Slay the Spire is a reasonably good substitute for playing Slay the Spire.

4. Block Twitch. This is necessary because your monkey brain will realise that Twitch is like Youtube.

5. Set the block on Strict Mode. This is necessary because your monkey brain is devious and cunning.

6. Block Chrome. This is necessary because monkey brain will realise that Twitch and Youtube can be accessed via Chrome.

7. Block Chess.com. This is necessary because whilst chess wasn’t initially a nefarious activity, if your monkey brain squints it will realise that chess is sort of like methadone, which is sort of like heroin, which is sort of like Slay the Spire, which is delicious. Also your monkey brain will still be mad that Sam is now better than you at chess, and plotting his demise is insufficient for your monkey brain.

8. Block the Google Play Store. This is necessary because the Play Store can find things like Firefox and Brave, which are like Chrome.

9. Kill your old phones. This is necessary because if they still work your monkey brain will find them and use them. You might first try drowning your old phones but you might also realise that these phones still have good waterproofing. If this is the case you can use the back of a knife to smash the phones as if the knife were a hammer.

10. Give away your Ipad to your brother’s partner. This is necessary because the monkey brain will realise that Ipad is a large phone, and even though you won’t have any of your progress saved on the Ipad, your monkey brain will be willing to play through all characters from Ascenscion 0 to Ascension 20 again.

11. Block Appblock on your phone. This is necessary because your monkey brain will realise that in the app you can contact support for an emergency unblocking code, and will be immune both reason and shame when typing in ‘problem with settings’ as an explanation for why you are requesting the code. Also your monkey brain will eventually realise the cooldown period for requesting a second emergency unblocking code takes exactly 72 hours.

12. Install Cold Turkey on your laptop, and block Steam and youtube and all other nefarious things. This is necessary because you will have a monkey in your brain which will occassionally poke your motor cortex in ways which make your limbs open your laptop and use it to play Slay the Spire.

13. Block all proxy websites and any keywords that can be used to search for proxy websites. Also, block Parallels because your monkey brain will evolve higher level cognitive functions and reach a level of creative ingenuity beyond your own, and realise that you can use Parallels to run Windows on a Mac, and then download a Windows version of Steam in order to play Slay the Spire.

This will effectively mean you have a dumb phone.