On what I'm owed

I demand satisfaction

I just had a banger of a conversation with a friend.

I’ve been getting into the deep end of non-judgement recently. Largely this amounts to loudly and randomly proclaiming ‘judge not lest ye be judged!’ in conversations with people. Almost always with out any prior context which would make it a relevant thing to say.

Anyway, I and said friend were talking about judgement. I was saying, broadly, that I’m increasingly becoming less bought into judgement. According to me, at least when I’m vibing in a certain way, judgement is an illusion.

Judgement is about blame. Which is about punishment. Which is about control.

I am not into controlling others, or being controlled by others (at least when I’m vibing a certain way), and so I reject judgement thusly.

My friend disagreed, and thought I was an unrepentant sinner.

We debated this for a while. I had the upper hand in this debate, and so decided to show mercy by switching the focus of the conversation from the philosophical to the emotional.

‘What does holding judgement give you?’ I asked.

I believe it to be good form to answer for oneself any question that one asks, so one has a yardstick for judging whether the response is up to scratch, and so I began to think about this myself - what judgements am I holding on to.

I began to think about my relationship with EA - and it seems to me this is one of the places where I’m holding onto a lot of judgement (I imagine this will come as a shock to regular Bestjelly readers, but it is I confess true).

Anyway, at this point in the call I burst out laughing and had a minor cataplectic attack. This seems to be an increasingly regular feature of my personal therapeutic process.

The thought that came to mind in asking myself ‘What does holding onto judgement give you?’, was something like ‘I have suffered greatly, and I am owed recompense’. And I found this very funny.

To be clear, I think that it’s true that my relationship with EA has involved a lot of suffering, and I don’t mean the funniness to downplay that. Though, well, I don’t know, I think it is a very funny thought.

In a large part because in some ways it feels true! It seems that part of me does or did have a strong sense of being owed recompense.

When I tune into this, I imagine this form of recompense to come when I complete the many magnum opuses of EA that I’ve been working on for the past few millenia. After posting the magnum octopodes I imagine being paraded through the streets of the EA Forum. I am on a four horse chariot and wearing a purple toga, and forum citizens shower me in karma and sing songs of my sacrifice before declaring me consul for life.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. At least at the moment I have a some sense of opening, like a hold on part of my psyche easing.

I don’t know if this will last. Perhaps tomorrow I will be back at it to demand satisfaction.